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Funny Jokes Daily at Joke.Ph! |
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Her Operation!
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!""Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.""Who is the third rose from?" she asked"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
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3 Sick Soldiers...
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -"What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic syphilis, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front lines, Sir!""Good man!" says the Major.He goes to the next bed."What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front lines, Sir!""Good man!" says the Major.He goes to the next bed."What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
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Ant jokes 03
|Where do ants go to eat?At a restaurant!What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?Antteneye!What do you call an and with frogs legs?An antphibian!What kind of ants are very learned?Pedants!What do you call a smart ant?Elegant!What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?Discordant!What kind of ant is good at maths?An accountant!How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?Ten ants!
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Bad eyes.
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?"She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
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New Experience
There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news."Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!""Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's!"
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Top NFL complaints
|Top NFL Complaints After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail". Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger". Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!! Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week! Don King only bribes boxing judges. Official rule books not made in Braille. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
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Requesting a three day pass
|An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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The Blonde and the Shepherd
There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - "If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?"He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". The shepherd said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal"So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says "WAIT!Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?"
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Marriage Quotes 5
Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
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Bending it further
The old man was saying to his doctor,"You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"
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